THHG2TG -- Medical Edition 4.74938
by Bethy
Summary: The perfect guide to galctic diseases -- for doctor or layman! Go ahead and read it, I gaurantee you'll laugh. (And if you don't, I'll refund your money).


Author's note: This is intended to be humourous. If I offend anybody, I'm sorry. My only  
response to that would be: quit reading this! I'm not sure if this is exactly 'fanfic,' but  
hey, I'll put it up and hope for reviews. Please! Please! Please, review my stuff! Even if  
you didn't really like it, or didn't get it. (But don't just put "I loved/hated it" -- why   
did you love/hate it?). Thank-you in advance!  
  
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy  
Medical Edition 4.74938  
Edited by Bethy   
Written: May 12, 1998  
  
  
Editor's Note: This edition contains the latest information available on selected   
diseases that affect any or all known humanoid life forms. Although the editor of this edition  
trusts her sources implicitly, the information contained in this guide is for entertainment  
purposes only. It is not to be taken as absolute, positive, factual truth. It is also not  
intended to overrule, override, or supersede any information, advice or instructions given by   
an official medical doctor. Any imbecile who chooses to ignore the aforementioned warning does  
so at their own risk. The Nyllisoj Publishing Corporation takes no responsibility for any such  
nincompoops.  
  
  
*Znarfborg Syndrome* is a fatal disease for humanoids with neon based blood. If a  
humanoid with blood based on any other element contracts the disease, they will suffer only  
mild discomfort similar to that which is experienced with the common cold. Beings with neon  
based blood, callisoriandis, for example, contract the disease through sucking the crystals out  
of the eggs of Daerongs and allowing the crystals to amalgamate with their salivary excretion.   
  
Symptoms include extreme exhaustion, shortness of breath, lowered body temperature  
combined with excessive sweating (if the being does not possess sweat glands they will  
experience a lowered body temperature with the sensation of being hot) and minor irritation in  
the sensory organs (eyes, ears, nose, antennae, ecnads, etc.).   
  
Symptoms are caused by an increase of orange blood cells in unison with a decrease of  
purple blood cells. Also, in some cases the rehsurc (an organ involved in the excretory  
process) becomes enlarged, causing the patient to have extreme difficulty eliminating waste  
products.   
  
As the disease progresses, all the symptoms become magnified and extremely painful.  
When the bloodstream contains only orange cells (all the purple cells have been eliminated) the  
patient dies. The extinction of the purple blood cells can take anywhere from three minutes to  
sixteen years, seven months, two weeks, four days, nine hours and twelve minutes (standard  
time). Sometimes the rehsurc explodes before the purple blood cells disappear, causing a   
quicker, but more painful death. At this point in time there is no known cure.   
  
  
*Ratskert Dracip Disease* is caused by a parasite that resides in the brain and affects  
all known intelligent life forms. The parasite feeds on electronic impulses sent to the brain  
when the being is happy. If something causes the victim to become unhappy, agitated, stressed,  
or angry, the victim becomes violent, lashing out at the cause of the distress. The victim   
will do anything to return to a state of happiness. The violent actions of the victim should  
not be confused with the Emotion Plague common to Vulcans and other carbon based life forms.   
(see the Naniug Possession Plague in this edition)  
  
Treatment involves causing the victim to become so exceedingly unhappy that the negative  
electronic impulses cause an overload for the parasite which in turn causes the parasite's   
demise. Treatment varies with the individual because all beings have a different opinion on  
what makes them happy. The disease is not thought to be fatal, although when it comes to one's  
happiness, the extent of a person's actions knows no bounds.  
  
  
*Naniug Possession Plague* (commonly known as the Emotion Plague) is caused, like the  
Ratskert Dracip Disease, by a parasite in the brain. This plague has many similarities to the  
Ratskert Dracip Disease. The parasites feed on emotion but prefer negative emotions because  
they are stronger. In order to obtain these emotions, the parasites cause the victim to  
inflict pain on other beings to produce terror and agony. The parasites can be transmitted to  
additional victims through eye contact. The only way to cure this disease is to deprive the  
parasites of emotion. This is only possible through the sedation of the entire region where the  
plague is found for a minimum of twenty eight hours (standard time).   
  
  
*Krik Tellab Plague* only affects members of the Emolconian race. Symptoms include an   
increasing ineptitude and stupidity in the patient. This is a result of shrinking brain mass.   
As the brain shrinks, the patient will also suffer a loss of motor skills and coordination.   
  
The disease is passed through contact with the antennae of any other member of the race   
that is infected with the disease. Since touching antennae is the common form of greeting and   
affection, the plague is spread very quickly. Any young conceived by parents with this disease   
will be born with the disease. They will posses such a minuscule brain that the disease kills   
them before they reach the age of two nognilks (Emolconian measurement of time roughly   
equivalent to six months standard time).   
  
It is currently unknown as to what causes the disease in the first place and there is  
no cure for the plague. No one is really interested in looking for one, though. Who would  
want to save the Emolconians anyway? Even before their brains start shrinking they are the  
second stupidest "intelligent" known race in the galaxy (after the gorpfs, who posses an  
intelligence that is so low it is a negative on the IQ scale). Besides, the Emolconians are  
dying out so fast that, by the time a cure was found, there wouldn't be any left to cure.   
Editor's note: at the time of the publication of this edition there were only 17,000,000,000  
Emolconians remaining in the entire galaxy. By the time anyone reads this they will most  
likely be extinct.  



End file.
